One of the most frustrating parts of living overseas was placing an order at a fast food restaurant. Virtually every time I would have to elbow my way to the counter, mentally rehearse the order for a family of five in another language, and then hope that I could communicate without being misunderstood or worse, cut off.

In America it should all be much easier. But on a recent trip to Panera, we realized it isn’t. No one was in front of us when we stepped inside, yet we froze about six feet from the counter. All of us stared in bewilderment at the myriad options on the menu boards. Soon I became self-aware and turned to notice a neatly-formed line of about ten patrons behind us stretching out the door. I looked at my wife and whispered, “Don’t these people know how to cut in line?”

Now that our missionary family has come back to the states, we’re finding that the struggles are very different here—and yet the same. We’ve come back, but we don’t exactly feel at home. Some days we’re happy to be here. Others find us downright homesick—aching for that foreign place that had become our normal. But much of the time we’re just a helix of confused emotions as we try to acclimate to our newest country of residence, waiting for it to feel familiar again.

Pastors and churches who watch the mess of returning missionaries often want to help. But maybe they aren’t sure how to best go about it. Here are a few suggestions from someone fresh off the field.

1. Provide logistical support.

In most cases, missionaries travel to places where ministry is already established, where at least some expats are living. Before we arrived at our place of service there were partners on the ground who helped us find a home, find a car, and find a school. Those first days we were entirely dependent on our team for locating everything from furniture to fresh eggs.

When we returned to the states, we needed help with the very same kinds of things. Most missionaries sold all their possessions before heading overseas. Many do the same before coming back. Thankfully, when we arrived, a family from church generously offered us their van until we could acquire one of our own. Others helped stock our pantry or just gave cash for groceries. Still others have helped us find work or even a dependable dentist. All of these kindnesses, small and large, have proven invaluable.

2. Be a friend, especially to our children.

Sadly, missionaries who have traveled the world and have hundreds of people reading their newsletters can be among the loneliest. When we first left the states, we wept as we said goodbye. While we were gone, those stateside relationships didn’t necessarily end, but they changed. People moved on, priorities shifted, and friendships adjusted. Coming back, we don’t know where we exactly fit in, and we don’t know how to pick up where we left off.

What complicates our insecurity is the grief of fresh goodbyes. In our case, we walked away from deep relationships with our team, neighbors, and church. This reality has made returning stateside hardest on our children. They left America when they were young. Those original goodbyes weren’t so difficult. But this time they have felt the pain acutely. The only place they have ever truly known as home is now 6,000 miles away, and this time they’re old enough to realize that they will likely never see it, or their friends, again.

All of this makes coming back incredibly distressing. And what we need about as much as anything are close relationships. While we cannot recover what was lost, we need friends new and old who will take the time to get to know us for who we are, even if we have changed. Even if we are a little strange.

3. Listen to our stories.

I will never forget the one time my grandfather sat down to talk about his experiences from World War II. The man I knew as a humble cattle farmer and ‘Grandpa’ had known the fear of taking shelter under his truck to avoid strafing gunfire. He had been at the Battle of the Bulge, marched into Germany, and occupied post-war Austria. He had innumerable stories to tell, but I had heard almost none of them. And to this day I regret not hearing more.

Missionaries aren’t quite the same as war heroes, but we have witnessed and walked through the unimaginable. Sadly, those experiences often remain unspoken. Sometimes the silence is owing to us, to trauma we have felt. But the last thing we want to do is come back and unload in a way that sounds like complaining. Or worse, boasting. But in such cases, what we need is a listening ear, maybe even from a professional counselor who can help us process it all. The most meaningful listeners, though, will always be our friends and family who take interest in trying to learn what our life used to be.

4. Tap into our experience.

Part of listening to missionaries can involve giving them a voice. Churches, perhaps unwittingly, rarely provide returning missionaries a platform to speak. Even though we’re no longer raising support, we can still give a report on God’s work among the nations.

We also feel that we have much to offer in terms of ministry experience, especially in evangelism and discipleship. For instance, former missionaries can be a great resource for helping church members reach out to internationals in their own community. Or they could offer adult education on topics such as missions history, world religions, or contemporary missiology.

Every missionary is going to be different, but I would guess that many would jump at the chance to be integrally involved in some kind of outreach or training ministry in the states. Sometimes missionaries return and feel an instant void in their lives when they no longer have natural discipling relationships. But churches could fill that void by vesting missionaries with specific responsibilities that both draw on their experiences and empower other church members.

5. Challenge us to acclimate to our new culture.

If listening is difficult, speaking into the lives of missionaries may be harder still. True, you don’t know where we’ve come from and all we’ve experienced. You haven’t walked a mile in our moccasins—or clogs or geta or terlik, as the case may be—but you can still challenge and critique us. In fact, you should.

Missionaries are not without error. We who have worked so hard to enculturate into a foreign land are often the worst at learning how to live in America. We who decry ethnocentric ideas can return with cultural snobbery directed toward the West and the church. We who spent our lives investing in others can come back reclusive and sheltering. Our struggles might be as complex as a soldier dealing with PTSD, or they can be as simple as not knowing how to order food.

Culture shock is natural, but it’s also often comingled with sinful attitudes or behaviors. So when we are battling reverse culture shock, we need brothers and sisters alongside us who will patiently and continually point us to the truth of Scripture. We need the church to help us fit in in appropriate ways, and reach out in powerful ways. Just like we did overseas.

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Elliot Clark (M.Div., SBTS) lived in Central Asia for six years where he served as a cross-cultural church planter along with his wife and three children. He is currently working to train local church leaders overseas.